she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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