I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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