I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
