are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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