the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
