I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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