i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
