I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
