I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
