I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
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And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
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Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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