my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
