Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
