You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
