I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
