my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
