I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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