your thong is hanging out like whoa
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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