She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
