So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
