I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
