...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
