You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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