I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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