There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
