i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
