Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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