She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
