Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
