You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
