I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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