Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
