The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
