Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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