Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
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