I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just gargled with NyQuil
not ubering you a puppy
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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