I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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