I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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