States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
