I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
