you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
