The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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