How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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