apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
