put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
