I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
