Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
