i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
