also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
