Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
