Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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