Soap is not a condiment
Someone shit on the floor
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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