Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
