I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
