i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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