beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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