The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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